If you're keeping up with my facebook, or not, and what to know the low-down: http://littlebunny.dreamwidth.org/682.html

I found an apartment that I really like! It's down the street from UofL, 1 bedroom and 800 sq feet AND they accept dogs. It's $475/month and it's across from the park.

Unfortunately, I cannot afford that right now which sucks donkey balls. At least I know the apartments exist, so eventually... sigh. My friend, Wes, is moving out of his place which is in the Highlands and it's 2br, hardwood floors and made of awesome. It's $605/month without utilities. :( He said that he pays a little under $700/month for everything. With a roommate, that's only $350 and that's badass. With no roommate, however, I can't do that either. LAME.

I need to get my bills paid off and I need to save some money first... I guess. I'd still rather have my own place. Blah.

Maybe it's silly to grieve. I had a feeling that I was pregnant before Anthony left for Boston but I only knew for a fact for about 5 days.

I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. I won't ruin the movie "Up!" for you guys, but, I really wish I hadn't seen it. Not now. I'm glad that I didn't see it with Anthony. Is it wrong, do you think, for me to still be so upset over the miscarriage? I was only 6 weeks. I wasn't 33 weeks or anything.

I didn't even get to hear my baby's heartbeat. The only time I got to see it was in bloody, fleshy clumps of fetal tissue on toilet paper.

And now I don't even have Anthony anymore. All of my dreams... everything I ever wanted is gone. I've never been this sad before. I feel like there's a black hole inside of me. I'm sorrowful. I'm full of sorrow.

Is it silly of me to feel like a parent who has lost a child? I know that my baby wasn't much more than a grain of rice but it was mine and I loved it so much.

Did you know that Octoer 15th is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?

Anthony bought me a book about Chihuahuas. They are needy puppies, aren't they? Lol. You're not supposed to leave them alone for more than 4 hours. Fenix is a super lap dog. He's in my lap all the time! Getting him used to being on his own is going to be fun. Oy. Classes start next week and, on the days that I work, I'll be gone from about 9:30-4:30. Laaaame. If Gran is here, then Fenix should be okay. If not, hopefully, Anthony will be able to watch Fenix most of the time. It's been a while since I've dealt with a puppy! We go outside every few hours and he still has the occasional accident on the carpet (but that's to be expected), he nips at feet, he chews everything... but he's adorable and precious! It's nice though--having this little thing to care for. :)

Here's Fenix being BADASS! He makes the most awesome face at :27 in. Omg, it cracks me up!!

because my relationship is over.

I wish I was dead.

Anthony bought me a 1lb chihuahua puppy.

I lost it.

There are 2 super filtered entries that deal with me being pregnant.... I didn't want to tell everyone just yet... but... I guess it doesn't matter anymore...

I went and bought another test and it was practically negative and then I started bleeding. I'm still bleeding. It's not heavy, but it's blood. I was hysterically crying in the bathroom so much that I thought I was going to pass out. I called Anthony and he was like, "Well, why are you crying about it?" :( He said, "You wanted it, didn't you?" and I sobbed, "yes..." and... I've been bleeding since about 8. It's 10:30. I'm losing my baby. I just know it. Anthony said that maybe it could be normal because sometimes there is bleeding and cramps during pregnancy but... not like this I don't think. I'll get the blood work back tomorrow but it seems like I already know what it will say.

How am I supposed to go to work tomorrow? I work with kids and babies. And, I'm sure Anthony is out having a great time, laughing it up, carefree and happy, tonight. Hanging out with his brother and his brother's friends up in Boston. While I'm here... with my baby dying. There's nothing I can do. I feel so fucking helpless. All I have is a bottle of prenatal vitamins, a "proof of pregnancy" letter from Planned Parenthood and a bruise on my arm from having my blood drawn.

Please don't die. Please. I will be a good mom, I promise. I was only joking about naming you after video game characters.

I saw Star Trek this afternoon and I had my hands on my stomach and I kept thinking that it was the first movie that the baby and I saw together even though it doesn't have a brain yet. Like it would absorb the nerdiness somehow.

Please don't be dead, baby. Please.

I'm so deeply sad right now. You have no idea.

My first prenatal appointment is for the 19th. THE 19TH!! It was the earliest they had. At least Anthony will be back by then because he's going with me even if he doesn't want to, which I'm sure he won't. I'll be able to see where the embryo is and get an exact date. My due date, currently, is January 6th.

I'm worried about my constant cramps. They last for hours. I'm not nauseated anymore and my breasts aren't tender or anything. I'm worried, you guys. With the low hcg... I'm half tempted to go and get another pregnancy test just to see if it still shows up but I guess I can wait until tomorrow for the results of the blood work. I'm nervous. The dr told me that, by 6 weeks, the test should be pretty definitive. Maybe I will go and get another test... what if it turns negative? Omg, guys, I'd die. What if it's still really faint? I'm so so so nervous and I'm worried that I won't be able to sustain it. Maybe I'm worrying too much? There are so many things that can go wrong! Then, I was thinking about how many things can be wrong with the baby--developmental problems, blindness, deafness, autism, mental retardation, just all of these horrible scenarios and I'm super freaked out. Why did I whip myself into paranoia? I want it to be healthy.

Did you guys know that, by this stage, it is technically an embryo and has a heartbeat and eyes and ears? After only a few weeks? When Anthony gets back, it will have little nubs that will turn into arms and legs! That is soooo totally freaky. There's... a little person in me. Even though I don't feel pregnant. AT ALL. It's early, but yeah.

I'm worried. I have a bad feeling. :( I don't want to lose my baby.

Well, I have dreamwidth too: http://littlebunny.dreamwidth.org/

I made another book tonight and I did take pictures, but they will wait until tomorrow (or until I finish that stupid art history paper). The news is that, well, so, before, when anyone would ask if Anthony and I lived together, his answer was 'no'. He'd say that I just stay with him a lot. The other day, Mr. Morgan asked him that same question and, this time, he said yes! He said that my stuff is still at gran's because there isn't any room here. I mean, I wish I could explain how MONUMENTAL it is for him to say that. Anthony lived with his last girlfriend and that was a disaster (good for me, right?) but, she moved in with him after about 4 months, so Anthony has been gunshy about the subject. But, you know, Anthony and I have been together for ALMOST TWO YEARS!!!! WHAT? Lol It's only 4 more months until our two year anniversary. Isn't that crazy talk? Wonderful, happy, lovely crazy talk? I miss him right now. He's at Morehead University doing the joint FTX thing with the ROTC. He won't be back until SUNDAY!! :( I'll be alone for 2 days. Lame. Tomorrow, I have to write this paper (ugh) and go up to the library to do research for Anthony and I'd like to finish some of the studies for fiber class tomorrow as well.

It's super awesome that I can feel not guilty about feeling like this is my home, you know? *is happy*

Anthony wants me to write a children's book. He's like, "write it, draw it and I can sell it!" I guess he figures we'll get rich one day off of my doodles. Lol I love that man with everything I have. Gross, right?

Bookbinding is EXPENSIVE! I spent $50 on bare essentials that will last maybe 2 weeks yesterday. Ugh. I'd love to marbleize my own paper to use but the tray for that is $100, not to mention that the good Arches paper is about $4/per sheet and carrageenan is $45/lb. I could always buy someone else's hand-marbled papers but, they usually run $20/each. I bought a beautiful hand-silkscreened piece of paper at the art supply store yesterday and it was $10. For one sheet. Bookbinding linen thread is about $15/spool and davey board for hard covers is about $9/board. I bought 4 pre-cut sheets and it was $22. Oh, and you'll need a $20 bottle of PVA (or Sobo) glue. Art is so expensive. Just so, so, so expensive. We have a critique today in Book Arts. We'll be reviewing the Stab Binding and the Coptic bindings. I have 1 stab and 3 coptic. I need more money. I want pretty, pretty papers to make books with. Dolphin has GORGEOUS papers but I can't afford them. Grrr!

I'm so over college. Lol. I want to move to a state where a master's degree isn't required to teach. Blah.

Other than that, well, nothing much is going on, not that I really want to talk about. It's getting to be March Madness around Ky and it's, kind of a big deal. I'm excited.

Not doing anything for Spring Break. Not even working because the labs are closed. So... ick. I need tampons! DAMN! I forgot! I have to run to the grocery store. Wonderful. UGH! :(

I am not happy today, my favorite holiday. I'm bitter and full of nothing. Not talking about it. Don't ask.

In other news, I hate you, Japan: Rapelay virtual rape game banned by Amazon Oh christ. Be sure to read the whole article (it's short), you wouldn't want to miss the awesome way the lead character deals with an unexpected pregnancy.

At least the power is back on at my place. I'm currently at my house with the dogs, doing laundry, but it was a bitch to get in here. The ice is just nuts. It's melting, slowly. Super slowly. When I walk outside, I can hear tree limbs cracking from the weight of the ice. Ice surrounds every branch of every tree. I don't know if this link will work, but you can go to my facebook here, to look at some pics I took. It's insane. Lol Anyway, I'm sure UofL will be back in session on Monday (gross) even though tons of people are still without power. Blah.

So, basically, yes, Louisville is under 2 inches of ice and 4 inches of snow. There are about 250,000 people without power. We had to rescue granny and the dogs yesterday because she's out of power. She went to Aunt Fay's a few minutes ago, but the dogs are here at Anthony's with me. My car is under ice and snow and there are branches everywhere and power lines are down. *sigh* UofL has been closed wince Tuesday, JCPS is closed the rest of the week and UofL will probably be closed tomorrow. Anthony and some girl are outside shoveling snow around cars. I'm in the house with the dogs.